


Stop And Stare

by Mycroffed



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: I wanted to write a happy ending, M/M, also my first songfic, and there might be some magic involved, but I was stuck, so I'll just end it in the most painful place, so maybe there is a happy ending, sorry - Freeform, this is not a happy ending fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-14 20:03:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4578090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mycroffed/pseuds/Mycroffed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint goes to Phil's grave. Phil watches him. Secrets are revealed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I wrote this during my wifi free week and I just made a fanfiction.net account (same username) buuuuut. I can't work with ff.net. Nope. So I decided to post it here.  
> Enjoy!  
> Thanks for reading, kudo'ing and commenting!

It seemed colder as he was standing there, staring at Coulson's grave. Clint had had a terrible few weeks with that last mission with that handler that wasn't Phil. He had been determined to come and visit the graveyard since it might have been one of his last chances. He was supposed to join the Avengers again and there was always a chance that he wouldn't survive - he might not even try to continue to live.

He had his heart set on it, he was going to do this, going to talk to Coulson, tell him what was wrong. Maybe it would help. It should help. At least someone who was prepared to listen to him. Natasha was on a mission with cap, so she wasn't available and his only other friend was laying in front of him, buried six feet under the ground.

He took a deep breath as he sat down in front of Phil's grave. He ran his hands over the engraving. _Phil J. Coulson. He will be missed._ Oh how much is he missed. Clint just wanted his husband back.

"Hey, Phil." He said, his voice heavy with tears and emotion. "I... I think I'm moving all over the world, but... I don't seem to go anywhere. You're always there, always there with me and..." He ran his hand through his hair as he swallowed back the tears. "I know that everyone gets scared, Phil, but I got this feeling that ever since Loki... I'm becoming what I can't be. And I hate this, I hate that I'm running from everyone and everything, but I can't seem to shake it off.

"Nat is on a mission with Cap. I think they're in DC. I dunno what's going on exactly, and I don't really care anymore. I'm becoming this uninterested human being who ignored anything and everything that's not important to him. Phil..." He looked down at his hands, at the ring he was still wearing because he couldn't seem to say goodbye to his husband. "Phil, I miss you. I miss you so much."

He sits there for a while, in silence, just staring at the grave. When eventually he opens his mouth again, his voice is barely above a whisper. "Last mission... I was sent undercover somewhere in Europe - I already forgot the name -" A weak laugh escaped him. "- and I was sitting on top of a roof, waiting for this voice to tell me to take the shot, to tell me to do my god damn job, but it's just not coming and I'm just wondering why I can't hear nothing and I even checked the comms and my hearing aids, but I... They all worked and this voice just wouldn't come in. And then when it did, it sounded like it was you for a moment. I was frozen for a moment. After I took the shot, I couldn't move or say anything for a good hour. I just wished that someone would take over from me. I need some time off to... to deal with this, with you. I know it's been three years, but I can't do this anymore. I can't go on without you anymore. I've had enough. I'm giving up. I... I'll see you soon enough, sir."

He put down the flowers he had bought for the agent and pushed himself back on his feet. _Steady feet don't fail me now._ Clint thought as he made his way to the exit, not knowing that he was being watched.

 

*

 

Phil had, as soon as he had realized that his death had been faked, put a camera in his grave, to hear and see the people who would come visit his grave. The first few weeks after he had woken up, there were plenty of people there. His husband, Clint, most of all. And he always brought him something. Either it were flowers or something else, it was always something that was so typically _Clint_ that it hurt him to look at them. He wanted to go and pick them up, hold them close to his chest, but he couldn't risk being seen by anyone.

After the first few weeks, the visits grew infrequent. Clint had been cleared after the Loki incident and he was put back on active duty. He now came only when he wasn't on a mission, which was still fairly regularly.

It was three years after his death - and while he was in the middle of taking care of the aftermath of S.H.I.E.L.D. falling and then the second S.H.I.E.L.D. turning up, he got a message that Clint was at his grave again. A smile appeared on his lips as he rushed to his office to watch the live stream.

But as soon as he spotted the archer sitting there, his smile disappeared. This wasn't the strong Clint he had known. This archer was broken and absolutely desperate. He ran his finger along Clint's jaw line and imagined how it would feel to hold him in his arms again, pull him against himself and tell him that everything was going to be alright again.

When Clint told him that he missed him, he couldn't help but whisper "I miss you too, my dear husband. But I can't come back to you, not while I'm in this mess." The archer sat in silence for a while and Phil took the time to calmly go over his body, how he looked. He noticed the wounds where Clint had gotten hurt on his last mission. He noticed every new scar since he had 'died' three years ago. He noticed the lost look in the man's eyes.

And then Clint started to talk again and he let out a broken laugh - god that _hurt_ so much - and Phil could barely listen to what the archer was saying to him, to his grave, as if he really was there. When Clint said that he had given up, Phil could not help but stop and stare at the screen.

No. _No_. The Clint Barton he knew didn't just _give up_. Suddenly, Phil couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't keep it a secret from the one man he loved the most in the entire world. He couldn't watch Clint hate himself and give up, all because he was dead. He grabbed his phone and wrote a text to Clint, telling him where he was needed for his next mission.

After the text was sent, all Phil could do was hope that Clint would turn up.

 

*

 

Clint didn't know what to do with the text. Normally, he would be called to HQ, but the coordinates he had received were close by, as if somebody already knew that he was in the area. He sighed and decided to make it to the pickup point, only to tell whoever who needed him that he wasn't going to go with them on a mission, that he had resigned and that he wanted to be left in peace.

He was there earlier than he expected and whoever it was that needed him wasn't there yet. So he pulled out his phone and started to play a small game. And that was how he didn't notice the red car floating in mid air until it was already there.

He didn't look up as he called out. "If this is your attempt to cheer me up, Nat, then it has failed. You know that Coulson would never have let you touch Lola, let alone drive it. And if you want me to join you in there, then you must be out of your mind."

"Who says that I'm going to let you drive it, Barton?"

Clint froze when he heard that voice again. He must be going crazy since he was hearing his dead husband's voice everywhere he went. First on the mission, now here in an abandoned car park where they had never even been before. He eventually looked up at the car - and at who was sitting behind the wheel.

When he recognized the silhouette, he stopped what he was doing and stared at the agent. "Phil?" He asked, his voice so weak and breakable and he was reaching out to see if he was real because oh god what would he do if this was all just some big hallucinati-

His hand made contact with the driver of the red car and he was real. Coulson was really there. His husband was still alive. How was his husband still alive? _This can't be Phil. I have mourned him, I have identified his body. This must be some sort of trick. But he feels so real, so... so_ Phil _._

"Clint?" Phil asked softly as he felt the archer freeze with his hand on his own. "Barton, talk to me."

The familiarity of that phrase immediately got Clint out of his trance. He pulled his hand back - and tried not to think about how warm Phil's cheek had been - only to slap the agent with it.

"Three years, Phil. Three. Years." His voice was breaking as he shouted at the man, who didn't as much as flinch. Phil had been expecting it, if he was honest with himself. And he knew he deserved it.

"I know, Clint, and I'm so sorry. It wasn't supposed to be this long." He sighed and rubbed his cheek absentmindedly. "I was supposed to wake up and after a few weeks, they would come to tell you. But then you were still in because of what Loki did and... I wasn't allowed to talk to you since they were scared I would only make things worse. And then you were put back in the field . I couldn't reach you for months while you were undercover in Siberia. And then things got a bit out of hand on my end. But I swear, Clint, I was going to tell you."

"That's easy to say right now." Clint snapped at the man. "I can't believe I'm even talking to you." He was about to turn around and run away from the man that had been his husband for over three years before he had decided to fake his death. "Don't follow me, Coulson. Don't even think about it."

And after those words, Clint walked out of Coulson's life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fiiiiiine. So many people wanted me to continue this and maybe I kind of wanted to continue this as well. But honestly, I kind of wanted it to end in a not happy way. But I gave in, okay? No sad ending for these two.  
> Thank you for reading, kudo'ing and commenting!

Phil had told his team that someone would be joining them when he returned. He knew that everybody - especially Skye - was curious about meeting the man, but he had never expected them to stand there, waiting for him to return. After one exchanged look with May, the agent held the others back and stopped their questions so that he could disappear into his office.

Once there, he collapsed onto his couch - the one from his old office at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, where Clint had laid down on so many times - and stared at the ceiling. He didn't fully realize it yet, that his husband had actually left him, for good this time. He didn't need Clint to file a request for a divorce to know when he wasn't wanted anymore.

He didn't move - he was lost in thought - for hours, for ages. He didn't even move or looked up when he heard the door open. He knew, the second the person set foot in the room that it was May, that she was just trying to help him, but he didn't want to be helped. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to explain what had happened between him and his husband. Nobody but May knew about Clint and he was pretty sure he wanted to keep it that way. The looks of pity he knew he was going to get if he told his team, he wouldn't be able to handle them. He didn't want to handle them.

"Phil..." May said, her voice soft, as she sat down next to him on the couch. "What happened?"

"He walked away, May." He mumbled softly. "I explained it to him, I told him all I knew and he walked away."

She didn't say anything to that, she simply wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in a supporting hug. It was an exceptional move, especially from her. Phil buried his face in her shoulder.

"You need to give him some space, Phil. How would you be if he'd hidden himself from you for three years, letting you think that he was dead?" May sounded so reasonable, but Phil didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to believe her. He wasn't going to believe her.

"I need to find him again." He mumbled. "I am going to find him again and I will explain it again and I won't stop until... Until he wants to come back to me."

"Phil..." May sounded almost disappointed - she didn't, not really - as she tangled her fingers in his hair. "I think you need to let him go. You let him be for three years. What changed your mind now?"

Phil just shook his head as he pulled away from her touch. "Leave me alone, May. Please."

May bit her lip, but she got up and left the agent alone, just like he wanted.

 

*

 

Clint was determined this time. He was going to disappear, for good now. He went to the Avengers Tower and called the entire team together. He had been back since Loki a few times, but most of the time, he had tried to stay away from them if he wasn't needed for a world threatening emergency. As soon as he called, everybody collected in the living room. The actually looked glad that he was back.

"Clint." Natasha smiled. "What brings you back to us?"

"I'm quitting. I'm no longer an Avenger, no longer an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. So don't call on me, anymore, when something goes wrong." He wasn't going to beat around the bush, not about this. He knew his friends deserved to know the truth, so that was why he came here to tell them instead of just disappearing, like he had originally intended.

He would lie if he didn't expect the reactions from his friends. Stark and Rogers were both shouting, telling him that he _couldn't just_ quit _being an Avenger,_ Banner was shaking his head, almost like he was disappointed. Thor was demanding to know why this sudden change in his heart had happened. The only one who didn't say anything, was Natasha.

When everybody fell silent - Clint hadn't said a single thing, he had simply let them shout and demand and do anything they wanted, it wasn't like he was going to change his mind - Natasha opened her mouth. "Be safe, Clint. And try not to get killed."

The others all turned to her with a shocked expression on their faces. It was as if they could read each other's mind when they all said, as one "What?!"

"It's his decision and it's clear that he has made up his mind." Natasha explained before turning to Clint. "You have made up your mind, right?"

Clint nodded. "Yes. Please inform S.H.I.E.L.D. of my decision. I'm going to leave now." He was already turning around when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up, only just in time to see how Natasha pulled him in a tight hug. The others soon joined in the group hug.

 

*

 

Phil got the news that Clint had left S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers the second that Natasha had told Fury about the archer's decision. He knew that Clint was going to disappear, that he was going to make sure that nobody would be able to find him. But Phil wasn't going to let that happen. He knew the man better than anyone and he was determined to find him again.

He called up every single file about Clint Barton, both about the agent as well as the Avenger. He looked up every mission he had gone on, even before he had become his handler. He put apart the ones that he knew were special to Clint, for example, the one where he had saved Natasha and brought her to S.H.I.E.L.D., the one where Phil had saved his life for the first time, the one where Clint had saved _his_ life. He knew that if Clint was going to hide somewhere, it would be in one of those places. And if he wasn't there, at least it was a place to start.

Phil called his team together and told them that they had a new mission. That they were going to find Agent Barton.

"Agent Barton?" Skye asked - she had never gone to S.H.I.E.L.D. academy, so she had never heard about the amazing Hawkeye. "Who's that?"

It was May who answered her, rather than Phil. "He's Phil's husband."

The looks turned to him were a mix of pity, curiosity and disbelief. "But what about the cellist?" Fitz asked, frowning as he turned to Phil.

"What do you play the cello with, Fitz?" Simmons grinned as she realized what the answer was.

"A bow? Oh, a bow!" Fitz grinned as well. "That's a stroke of genius, Coulson."

Phil smiled weakly at him. "Thank you."

"But why are we going to look for him, all of a sudden, A.C.?" Skye was not surprised that there had been more about the cellist than the team had known. "What changed?"

"He quit S.H.I.E.L.D. Hill thinks that he might have decided to side with Hydra." It was a white lie. He knew that Clint would never think about joining Hydra, not if there was something he could do about it. "They went us to make sure that he doesn't."

May gave him a look filled with doubt about his story, but she didn't say anything, she didn't want to ruin this for Phil. She knew how important this was.

The rest of his team didn't even protest, they nodded, smiling. They thought that, apart from bringing back an agent, they would also get Phil back together with his husband. They couldn't wait.

 

*

 

Clint did go to Budapest, but only because it was such an obvious place for him to be that he was sure nobody was going to come looking for him here. He hid in one of the safe houses he had also used when he had been there with Natasha and Phil. It had been a great night, before the mission. He and Phil had finally told Natasha that the two of them were a couple and Natasha had just told them that she knew that already, that they were idiots if they thought that they could hid that from her.

He closed his eyes, imagined for a moment that the two of them were still there, that the last three years hadn't happened. But he couldn't. He couldn't believe it, he was too hurt. He couldn't imagine himself with Phil anymore. He needed to find a way that nobody would find him and he was prepared to do anything and everything he needed to do.

He had made a decision to turn to magic, even though he hated it with all his heart. He sat down on the bed and called the man - the god - he had sworn to never contact again. He called out for Loki.

It didn't take too long for the god - well, it was an illusion, Clint knew that well enough - to appear in front of him. Loki laughed as he realized who had called him back to Earth. "I never thought that you would be the one to call me, Hawk. Are you really that desperate?"

"You know what I want, Loki." Clint sounded defeated as he looked up at the Asgardian. "Could you please just get on with it?"

"Ah, but what do I get out of it?" Loki smirked, knowing all too well what the archer was asking for. "I won't do it for nothing."

"One of the Avengers taken down. " Clint shrugged. "You can do whatever you want. Just do it."

"Very well." Loki grinned and spoke a spell. When he was done, where once had been a man was now a majestic looking hawk.

 

*

 

After almost three years, Phil finally gave up looking for his husband. They had been looking between missions, so that S.H.I.E.L.D. wouldn't grow suspicious - after the first week, when a second mission from HQ has come in, Phil had had to admit that looking for Clint hadn't been an official mission - but after Budapest, they hadn't found a single trace of him. Not a single one.

Phil knew that there was only one logical explanation for the fact that he couldn't find his love. Clint was dead. Clint had told him, that one day, that stupid day when he had been at the agent's grave, that he had been thinking about killing himself. Maybe he had. Phil couldn't think about his archer buried somewhere he couldn't get, somewhere he didn't know where to look. He was never going to find him again.

The team noticed immediately that something was wrong, that Phil wasn't the same anymore. It was Skye who started the conversation, the rest of the team looking at her. "A.C., talk to me. What's wrong?"

Phil mumbled something inaudible - Skye immediately asked him to repeat what he had said but the man stayed quiet. There was only one thing that got him to shut up. Clint Barton.

"You can't give up, Coulson, not now. We are closer than ever to finding him and you know that." Simmons said, her hand on the man's shoulder.

"No." Phil shook his head. "We haven't seen a sign of him ever since we went to Budapest. Not a single thing. I think... I'm afraid he's dead. Dead and buried somewhere I can't find him."

"He's not dead, A.C. You've got to believe in him. You've got to believe that he is still alive, somewhere."

"Then why haven't we found him? Tell me, Skye, how come that he's not here with us, right now, after three years of looking for him? I thought... I thought that after three years he'd come back, that he would give me a taste of my own medicine, that he would disappear for three years, make me believe he was dead, that he was going to make me move on before he returned to me. But it seemed I was wrong." He looked down, running his hands through his hair. "I can't hope anymore, I just... I can't." He turned around and made his way back to his office. He wasn't going to talk to anyone, he needed to have some time for himself. "Don't follow me."

 

*

 

Being a hawk was a completely new experience. Clint couldn't say that he didn't miss being human, but being a hawk had certain... advantages. He could fly, something he had always wished he could do and nobody ever paid attention to a hawk flying around them on a mission. Because Clint had returned to Phil, he had found him again. He had made a deal with Loki, almost three years ago now, to be able to change into a hawk whenever he wanted to, but nobody could know. He owed Loki for this, he knew that, but right now, he didn't care about owing a god. Right now, he was going to return to Phil.

He knew the agent had lost all hope, just like he had, three years ago. Phil was right when he had thought that Clint wanted him to feel how he had felt, but he had had enough. Six years without his husband was more than enough.

So he had made his way onto the bus - it wasn't that hard, he could fly inside the bus after their last mission - and used the vents to get to Phil's office. He hopped onto the man's desk and that was where he was sitting when the agent walked in. He took in the look of surprise when Phil spotted the hawk on his desk.

"Well, hello beautiful. How did you get in here?" he hummed softly, emotionlessly. "There are no rooms here, only the vent-" Phil's eyes widened as he put the puzzle pieces together. "Hawk, vents..." He mumbled as a flare of hope rekindled in his heart. "Clint, what did you do?"

The hawk chirped and hopped over to the agent, pushing his hand against the man's arm. A fond smile appeared on Phil's lips as he started to pet the hawk's feathers.

"Can you understand me?" The bird nodded. "How did this happen? Why did you do this?"

Clint was going to change back. He was ready for it - well, he was as ready as he was ever going to be. He stayed there for a few more seconds, enjoying the extraordinary feeling of Phil touching his feathers - it was completely different from his husband touching his hair - before he hopped backwards and closed his eyes, determined to become human again, for the first time in three years.

The change wasn't painful, in fact, it felt almost natural, returning to the form he had been born as. He wasn't going to give up on it, he liked being a hawk way too much - plus it could be useful on missions and such - but after all, he was still human, deep inside.

He could see it on Phil's face when he was starting to change. He could see when he was finished, by the look on his face, right before he pulled the man into a deep, passionate kiss. "God, I missed you, Clint." He hummed into the kiss. "I missed you so much. Why did you... Why did you do all this?"

Clint smiled ever so slightly, holding his husband close to him. "I don't... I don't know. I think I needed you to feel what I felt, what it felt like to give up all hope. I know that this is stupid, that I probably never should've done that, but... I had to. I just couldn't help myself." Once he started explaining everything, words poured out of his mouth. "I asked Loki to do this, figured he still kind of owed me for the battle of New York and even if he doesn't see it that way, I don't mind owing him." He smiled apologetically.

"Clint... How can I possibly be mad at you? I still love you, I never truly gave up on you. Plus, me being mad at you for this would probably be the most hypocritical thing that I could possibly do." He closed his eyes and leaned against his husband. "I love you. We should... I kind of left my team in a way that maybe wasn't the best idea and I wouldn't be surprised if they -" There was a knock on the door. "- would come knocking on my door now."

Clint couldn't help but grin at Phil. He didn't care about the team, all he cared about was his husband back by his side.

"A.C. are you okay in there? Is there a suicide attempt we need to stop? Or are you okay?"

"A.C.?" Clint mouthed to Phil. The agent just shrugged in reply.

"I'm fine, Skye. But don't come in just yet, alright?" Phil said, loud enough so she could hear him through the door, but not too loud that Clint would hurt because of it.

"Yeah, well, I'm coming in. Don't think that that is enough for me to trust you?" She opened the door, almost immediately stopping when she spotted the second man sitting next to Phil. "Coulson, is that... I assume that's Agent Barton?"

"Yes, this is him. Clint, meet Skye, Skye, meet Clint Barton, my husband." Coulson smiled so proudly as he introduced him. Clint's heart almost skipped a beat.

"Nice to meet you, Skye. Sorry that this introduction is so long overdue." He held out his hand towards her.

She took it and shook it enthusiastically. "So how did you get in here, exactly?" She asked. "I mean, this is an airplane, it doesn't have that many ways on board."

"The vents." Clint explained, grinning slightly. "I have always had an affinity for vents."

"He'd often hide himself in a vent when he was bored to start shooting at random agents walking by." Phil explained. "Well, shooting with paper balls. It was adorable. Just not everybody thought that way."

Clint rolled his eyes fondly at him. "Aw, you think I'm adorable." He grinned widely.

"I have always thought you were adorable, Clint. And I don't think that is something that will ever change." Phil pulled him into a kiss, but Clint pulled back soon, remembering that Skye was standing into the corner of the room, chuckling.

"I'm glad." Clint whispered softly. "But we have introductions to make, friends to apologize to. Both of us. I... I kind of told the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. to piss off, actually. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. After all, they are my friends."

Phil nodded. "Yes, exactly. But first of all, you and me are going to have a long, good, healthy chat. Skye, if you could leave us for that?"

The younger agent smirked, nodded and turned around, snickering softly as she returned to the team that was waiting for her to tell them what had happened. She smirked. "He's alright, don't worry. He's got a certain hawk keeping an eye on him."


End file.
